Future in a glass ball

Something Jin said to me yesterday when I was out having dinner with him has been stuck on my mind since.
We were just talking about how we don't really see each other much these days. And if we don't see each other, we rarely talk (because we don't call each other on the phone much so it's usually just our 'dates').
Anyway, we were just pointing out these small little things when he just said, "nevermind, next time when we live together it'll be ok" or something to that effect. I didn't really react to what he said but inside, I was... shocked, erm, not in a bad way. Surprised maybe... touched too. It just didn't seem like something he would be saying... well, it's possible that it didn't actually mean anything but stil... I think it meant a lot to me. Thoughts of his words have been lingering on my mind till now. I've always been a little unstable and unsure about us, especially about the future bit... but for him to say something like that just opens up everything for me. Makes me wonder if we actually could?

However, I don't think I'd like to linger too much on that thought... It makes me feel uncomfortable in the sense that i might jinx us or something lol.

Back to normal

Everything's ok right now, it's all returning back to normal.

After that last call, I had a talk with a few people about Jin. Generally, they ar just friends who don't really know much about him and are curious to hear about him. It was then that I realised, that while talking about him, I really did miss him. I can't stay angry at him long. After meeting up with Li-Kim, I finally decided to call Jin.
I made the call and he didn't pick up. I admit that I got a bit upset over that. It took my a lot of thought before I got the courage to actually call him up and then he didn't even pick it up. Anyway, it wasn't that bad. Next afternoon, I got an sms from him asking about how everything was and when we could meet up again. And so I met up with him at his place last wed.
As usual, I don't really stay mad long. Once I see him, I start to have this feeling where everything's ok and things just start to fall into place. We didn't do much, just the usual and dinner. I had him explain everything that's been happening, and I learned that his visa has been revoked and he will be unable to enter into Australia for 3 years. Therefore, he has made plan to continue his studies in Lim Kok Wing. He'll be jumping directly into the degree, no diploma, but he'll be finishing earlier than as expected if he were to do it in Aus. That's good ^_^ At least to me, that's a bright side to look at the situation. But I do find in hysterically ironic that he's gonna end up in Cyberjaya (he hates that place because it's like so far and hot) and studying in LKW (he never liked that place and considers the ppl there to be snobs lol).

Saw him again today. I think I'll probably only get to spend about 1 or 2 times a week with him. Saturdays seem to be the only day I'm free. Wanted to watch a movie with him but it didn't work out. Ended up playing PS2 since morning (or afternoon, not sure, we were just talking at the beginning) till about 4pm. Finally, made the effort to get up and grab lunch and movie tickets but then the movies out weren't exactly what we were looking forward to watch so we weren't bothered to line up for them. All we did was ate in Esquire Kitchen ( we ordered way too much and stuffed ourselves full and yet, we still couldn't finish everything). After that, we just walked along the shops not really looking for or buying anything and then we went back to his place.

Today was fun... generally, I mean it was a fun time just being with him.

%$&^*#%!!!!!

I'm kinda pissed of today.

Yesterday, I spent some time still worrying about Jin. And at some point, the idea that I was just being used as a sex tool while he was in Malaysia hit me. I don't know if I actually believed it, but as usual, it caused my self-confidence to drop once again and horrible images and ideas start flooding my head.
Anyway, just before I slept, I finally decided to call him to check on the situation. I didn't know what to expect. Part of me wondered if he was held up in some cell over there or something. But because of the time difference I decided to wait till this morning to call.

And so, I called his Aus hp no. this morning. What I got was a connection with some fuzzy background noises... meaning to say that the phone wasn't on. I only know this because I got this same sound once last time when he was charging his hp... and still had to pay for the stupid call.
The entire morning, I just lazed around and played situations in my head. I was totally confused, was he safe? Was I being played for a fool? Did he not reply because he got detained? Well, anyway, my next step was to call his house phone, which I only remembered having early today. I waited till the afternoon to call because I didn't want to wake anyone up.
At about 12pm, I made a call, hoping to at least get Zher so that I can know if something has happened. No one picked up...called again at 2 pm and still no one picked up. By this time I had cried 2 times already because I was really hurt.
And the one thing that kept going through my head was that if he was ok, but he didn't bother calling, it would indicate that he doesn't care much for me. It matters nothing to him that I'd be dead worried about him over these few days. And at that time, all I really wanted to know and to make sure was that he was alright. Because if he was, I would be able to stop worrying about him and think about myself and my relationship... well, actually, the idea was to break up with someone who cares so little.

After the last call, I felt in a rut, and decided to pop over to Pyramid because I'd meant to do some shopping this week anyway. But just before I left the house, I just realised that I hadn't tried his Msia hp no. And so I called that one, and he picked up. He was sounding blur at first, and I was so shocked that he picked up the phone that I was at lost on what to say. So all I said was... what happened? He told me about how he got there without a problem at first, someone had issued a travel visa for him, but there was something about a mistake with the name and he ended up being deported back. So here he was again...
I still didn't know what to say. All I said then was "OK" and then...he was like... is something wrong? And I said, nothing, bye. And I hung up on him. When he tried to call me back, I ended his calls. Later he smsed me saying he was sorry for not calling, and that he was trying to settle his life now, also something about me thinking that he was a jerk and understanding if I hated him atm. Anyway, he called again a little later but I still refused his call. All I could do was sms him to say that I'm glad to know that he's ok, so I can stop worrying about him now, but I wasn't in a mood to talk to him. In response he just said ok, take your time.

I was crying in the car on the way to pyramid, and even while shopping, I felt my eyes water a few times. Right now, seeing that the worry over him part is settled, the question is, do I still want to be with him? Part of me really hates him for not calling. But he does have a lot of problems... does he think that by at least smsing me or something, I'd disturb him? That since he was back in Msia I'd start demanding for his time? I don't know what to think... I feel that if I just hold back, and not make any harsh decisions atm, I'd eventually forgive and forget. But part of me feels that I should just break up and move on. What's the point of holding on to someone who doesn't care? It's not like I plan to change him to suit my needs.

Right now, I'm still just bidding my time. I regret having sent the sms saying that I'll wait for him, it makes me feel like I've signed a contract that is to my disadvantage. Am I holding on to him for him or for the promise? Sometimes I wonder what the future will be like if I just broke up with him now. I've given myself a time limit to make a move, 1 week. It actually seems really long to me. But it's partly to see if he's willing to do anything on his part to make me feel better. I don't know if this is a good move, I don't want to give him any more problems than he already has. But everytime I think about it, my idea of clearing problems on my side is to break up with him... no gf, no gf problems. Which may be a problem in itself.
But if I just forgive him and pretend nothing happened, I don't think I can accept it. I know that I will keep reminding myself about it, and make a big deal over it. If I wait, on one hand, he could just be waiting along with me without any feelings over the issue. On the other hand, if he actually does care about me, he may be worried and lost over the situation, which is like making him feel how I feel. Lost with no idea what is happening.

Honestly, I really really want to hear from him now... to talk to him. I wish he would call me or surprise me with a visit or something... anything. If he were to call me, I may not know what to do and say, whether to hang up on him or just listen, and if I were to listen I'd most likely cry. But I still want to hear his voice. At the end of the day I still miss him even though I'm pissed at him.

Tide of emotions

I dunno what I'm feeling now...there's just a whole range of feelings flooding me.

It's like one minute I'm sad and missing him. Next minute I get pissed off and hate him. But then I start to worry if something's happened to him. Basically... he should have arrived in Aus roughly around yesterday evening, unless there was a transit, which I'm not sure if there is. But he promised to contact me as soon as he reached Aus and I've waited all night yesterday and all day today and still nothing.
Should I be worried? I'm scared that he might have gotten detained or something due to the fact that he didn't settle the visa. What happens then? Would they throw him into another flight back? Doesn't seem right, sounds like just a free ride to me... Maybe put him in a cell or soemthing? I have no idea what happens, I don't even know at which stage or point that the authorities actually check on your visa.

Obviously I do miss him... sometimes it feels really lonely without having him around and I seem to be talking a lot more about him these past 2 days... if anyone brings him up, I'd love to drone on and on about him. If I could I'd love to say stuff like ... I don't know, sickly sweet stuff about how head-over-heels madly in love with him I feel sometimes. But I know that this kind of talk annoys some people.

And finally, why I hate him soooooo much some times. Remember the other day when I was annoyed with his attitude over confirming dinner with his mum? Hmm... his mum wanted to have dinner with him, he said maybe, I told him to confirm with his mum an answer, he didn't...
Anyway, the point is, I was thinking quite a bit at that time. I felt that he really doesn't show much consideration to certain people who may care about him, only coz he doesn't care for them as much. Well, maybe not really 'doesn't care', could be taking them for granted (and he likes making an issue out of my taking for granted, I may make an issue out of his but at least I know how to admit to mine). It's not only his family, his ex-RO gf Sincerity was worried about him too and seems like he doesn't care either... but then again her jealousy annoyed him at one point so he may just be trying to ignore her altogether or soemthing.
I was worried, for one thing that at some point, if I were still to care about him and he just stopped caring, I would get really hurt. And I'm not sure I want to be in such a position to experience that... sometimes it makes me wish that I didn't love him, that it's better to put an end to it before it gets worse. Today, it's kind of like, I'm so pissed that he hasn't contacted me yet. I know it's mean of me coz he could be in dee shit or soemthing but I really want to hear from him! If he hasn't called because of the visa problem, then I'd feel dreadfully guilty for being angry but I just can't help feeling this way. If he's there, safe and sound, I'd really like to at least know about it so that I can clear my head and stop thinking about it. But I wouldn't be surprised if he's there and all right but he just couldn't care less to make an effort to tell me. It's something typical for him, in my opinion (Is it really such a bad opinion that I hold about him?) Part of me feels like I really would break up with him for the sole reason of his (assumed) inconsideration. If it really were true, I would like to strangle the life out of him >_< But I'm also being held by the promise I made to him, which I had to make a lot of pondering over sending that particular sms, and I partly regret having told him that now. The promise? Well, basically, I really wanted to make him smile, and he was sighing a lot when he had to leave, so I said that I couldn't promise him that everything he missed here would remain but I promised to wait for him.

So there it is... all my thoughts and feelings. Oh crap, Zera just messaged me and I'm in a rather pissed mood atm. I think I'll just ignore him for now... :S

And life goes on

He left this morning. Cried in the afternoon while thinking about him... I feel pathetic for crying suddenly, but it was during lunch break and I was walking around alone outside the building so it's not so bad.

Anyway, juz an update, we saw the movie on Monday after work. For the first time I came home late... he was gonna leave anyway so I'd rather take the risk and get a later show n spend more time with him... but our late was 12am...how lame :
Then yesterday, I had lunch with him (but we couldn't really find parking so I ended up tapaoing and eating in the car) and meeting him for about an hour after work coz he also had to meet his dad for dinner. Just as we were leaving, his grandma started crying... it was kinda sad. She misses him already.

Oh...know what? He didn't settle his visa problem. It got me worried coz I'm not sure what will happen if he enters without a visa. And even if he gets in, I'm also worried how he'll be able to settle it from there coz he'd be admitting that he's an illegal immigrant. He called me up early this morning at about 3am, I think he was painting the town red with Jo and Rachel or something... then I called him before I went to work and just when he was going to the airport.
I'm kind of hoping to get really engrossed in my work becoz I don't want another sudden 'breakdown' or burst of tears. I've been spending so much time with him that it really makes me feel lonely sometimes thinking that he's not around me anymore.

Anyway, rather not think about it... thought I'd add some photos of his drawing the other day in Coffee Bean:

Days fly by...

Time seems to be passing rather quickly these days... in only a few more days, Jin will be leaving for Aus.

Ever since I got back from Greece, we've been spending our time everyday together. On Thurs, although the plan was to go to Central Market/ Petaling Street, we ended up meeting with his friends. I met Joanna(Jo) and another guy Danny. Then Rachel was also there as well. We went over to Red Box in The Curve for a karaoke session. We just sat around singing and chatting... I had fun. Jo's a really cool gal, Danny's nice. I didn't really speak to Rachel though... maybe it's because she didn't really seem to bother to talk to me or didn't really have much to say to me but I guess it was easier for me to talk to Jo. But then again, Jin says that Jo gets along with everyone. Oh, she's a great singer. Jin's also pretty good too... but hardly the modest one >_< That night, he said to me "Bet you didn't know your darling can sing so well arr" LOL. In a way I find that slightly arrogant part of him kinda cute and attractive but I admit that if I wasn't his girlfriend, or at least someone who wasn't close to him, I would probably find that trait annoying. But it's fair to say that he probably wouldn't have said that to me if I wasn't his gf.
After karaoking, Jin and I went off on our own for dinner (we finally got our dim sum after 4/5 attempts?) and then headed to his place to pass time before he had to send me back home. It was funny, we were in the middle of having sex when his handphone rang (again!) and he picked it up with a "What??" and followed by a "What do you think?". God forbid if the rest of them were laughing their heads of saying stuff like, "Oh, we just disrupted them while they were fucking or something".
Anyway, after I got home, while I went to bed that night at about 1.30am, I got an sms from Jin. He had joined the rest of them for some beer. Was on his 4th jug when he smsed me and he was saying things like how he misses me and all that. After msging him back an forth, and in one sms he said that he was just sad that he had to leave soon, all I could think was that he was getting high on the alcohol and feeling emotional. But he was pretty sad the entire day... sighing quite a few times out of the sudden. He sent quite a few sweet smses, and when I didn't reply one of them because I was still trying to sleep (it was around 2.30am by then), he called me up ^_^
Ah well, anyway, he seemed back to normal the next day.

Called him up in the morning, when I drove to KPMG to check out the route and traffic jam. We were supposed to meet for breakfast but that was cancelled because mum wanted to join me so that she could go to the KL post office that day. After everything was over, I called Jin to see if he could pick me up from MV but he didn't answer the phone (sleeping like a pig he was =P). So anyway, I went home, and called him again at noon. This time he woke up. But I spent the next 2 hours plus waiting for him, although it was partly my fault coz I didn't pick up the phone when he called me earlier. He had ran out of credit and called me from his house phone to tell me about it and that he had to get the car from his sis.
Knowing nothing, I waited and waited, and when I finally called him I was all pissed. Anyway, he picked me up, and he was like... "Don't be grumpy laaa". But it wasn't that bad. We just drove about doing stuff that day; bank, stationaries, dvds. Funny thing is, all I can remember about that day was that it was one of the rare few occasions that we actually met up without having sex LOL.
Oh, we then went for dinner with his mum and sisters near Atria that night. I felt a little out of place coz he didn't even bother telling his mum in advance that I was joining them. But it was ok...

And then yesterday, we spent the early part of the day just lazing in bed. Well, not only the early part of the day considering we only left the house at about 5pm. He kept saying he needed to draw a portrait for his friend but we just kept on lazing. Anyway, we came back home first so that I could grab a book. Then we went to Coffee Bean in Mont Kiara where I just read while he drew. He drew a portrait of Drew Barrymore, and I took photos of his progress... he is pretty talented. After that, we joined his mum and sis for dinner again. We had Jap food in Oh Sushi in MV. It was a rather quick dinner because they already ate, so we rushed to finish ours.
He sent me home after that, and for once we were really really early... we reached this place around 9.40pm (I told dad I'd be back at 10.30pm) So we parked at our usual spot at the next street and just talked and lazed. I really didn't want to leave him then... even after we reached the front of my house, I still stayed in the car with his for about 10 mins before finally going in. I guess it's a pre-anticipation of his leaving Malaysia.

Tomorrow, we have plans to catch Mr and Mrs Smith right after my work. He's supposed to be getting the tickets for the show.

Back from Greece

Woohoo... home at long sweet last...

Just a note to say that I had a lot of time to think about Jin while I was away. The outcome? Hmm... seriously still indecisive.
Sure I missed him a lot, but my mind wandered off to bad stuff often... funny thing is, I don't think about the negative stuff that I don't like about him, but more towards the negative stuff that I imagine 'might' happen. And now that I think about it, I must really be a paranoid person thinking about stuff that could happen rather than stuff that is actually happening. In other words, there's really nothing to worry... is there?
Sometimes I'm really just not sure. On one hand I feel like I can devote everything to him, but occasionally, I have this feeling that I might just be risking everything and letting my heart get played with. It's still the same fear of one day realising that he may just be fooling around with me. Even when I tell myself that my decision was already made, that I would be willing to get played with, only coz it's been really great with him so far, and I have nothing to regret... I'm not sure if this decision would seem to be a logical one if my fears came through. But then again, giving up everything on the basis of my fear would seem even stupider... if there's such a word lol.

Ahh... my thoughts of him these days hadn't been all bad. There were a lot of good ones too... thoughts of how I'd love to be in his arms again after having been away for a week. I admit that I'm missing him terribly, and I wonder if I can cope with his leaving for Australia next week. Anyway, miss him or not, when I see him tomorrow, I'm still gonna play around with him /gg. Nothing too bad... just doing stupid things like not gonna kiss him when I see him, but instead, whisper to him how I'd kiss him if we were in his room. Lol... stupid's the right word, a lot of things I do seem really silly when I think about it, and it doesn't even suit my usual character, but it suits me in the sense that I occasionally do things like this just for the heck of it, although I can't usually play it through till the end becoz I'll laugh my way through it.

Porn... to watch or not?

Hehe... I don't know why I'm asking that question, coz personally, I don't care much for it. Although hentai's better... hmm... could check that out.

Anyway, was out with Jin again yesterday ^_^ I warned him about not making it in time for dinner but looks like it happened again. He was in a bad mood again... due to lack of sleep or something. We were watching Fruits Basket... (just a little more and I'll finally complete the season!!!) and then we started makinh out but we kept getting interupted by laughter over stupid things and an sms from Montha. And then suddenly I decided to try licking his penis and he was like... "Darlinggg!!!!" Shocked... :S
Ish... after that I just stopped and couldn't do anything, and he tried to make me do it again but I refused, and he got frustrated I think, and he just walked off and smoked... his reaction made me think... laugh or cry? I just decided to cry and well... I don't know... I just lay there crying quietly for awhile then when he realised I was crying he had to comfort me.
Ah well... everything went back to normal after that. He tried asking me to try again later so I did... and what do u know? It isn't as bad as I thought it'd be... oral sex I mean. I always found it weird and gross but after trying it I was like, hey, I can do it... doesn't seem such a big deal. After that he asked me if I watched porn /swt... coz he asked if it was the first time I gave a blowjob and when I said yes he said it was good and thought I watched porn... eh? Porn's borrrriiiinnnnnggg.... hahaha... I remember laughing through it once with Jane when she and I got curious about what the deal with porn was.

Oh well... we were late again... was about 9.15 by the time we left the house, this time I called back to say I'd be going home at 10.30pm. So we went to A&W's but it was crowded and changed our plans and went to McDonald's in Mentari instead. Bungkus 2 meals and sat in the car just one road away from the house and ate. I liked those cute lil meals we have in the car... like the sushi one last time. It's just...cute ^_^ Came back after that... mum seems ok with my outing that night but papa didn't even say hi or anything, and when I called back he just said ok and hung up quite suddenly... dunno if he's upset about this thing again. Oh well... I'm stil gonna go on with it.