%$&^*#%!!!!!
I'm kinda pissed of today.
Yesterday, I spent some time still worrying about Jin. And at some point, the idea that I was just being used as a sex tool while he was in Malaysia hit me. I don't know if I actually believed it, but as usual, it caused my self-confidence to drop once again and horrible images and ideas start flooding my head.
Anyway, just before I slept, I finally decided to call him to check on the situation. I didn't know what to expect. Part of me wondered if he was held up in some cell over there or something. But because of the time difference I decided to wait till this morning to call.
And so, I called his Aus hp no. this morning. What I got was a connection with some fuzzy background noises... meaning to say that the phone wasn't on. I only know this because I got this same sound once last time when he was charging his hp... and still had to pay for the stupid call.
The entire morning, I just lazed around and played situations in my head. I was totally confused, was he safe? Was I being played for a fool? Did he not reply because he got detained? Well, anyway, my next step was to call his house phone, which I only remembered having early today. I waited till the afternoon to call because I didn't want to wake anyone up.
At about 12pm, I made a call, hoping to at least get Zher so that I can know if something has happened. No one picked up...called again at 2 pm and still no one picked up. By this time I had cried 2 times already because I was really hurt.
And the one thing that kept going through my head was that if he was ok, but he didn't bother calling, it would indicate that he doesn't care much for me. It matters nothing to him that I'd be dead worried about him over these few days. And at that time, all I really wanted to know and to make sure was that he was alright. Because if he was, I would be able to stop worrying about him and think about myself and my relationship... well, actually, the idea was to break up with someone who cares so little.
After the last call, I felt in a rut, and decided to pop over to Pyramid because I'd meant to do some shopping this week anyway. But just before I left the house, I just realised that I hadn't tried his Msia hp no. And so I called that one, and he picked up. He was sounding blur at first, and I was so shocked that he picked up the phone that I was at lost on what to say. So all I said was... what happened? He told me about how he got there without a problem at first, someone had issued a travel visa for him, but there was something about a mistake with the name and he ended up being deported back. So here he was again...
I still didn't know what to say. All I said then was "OK" and then...he was like... is something wrong? And I said, nothing, bye. And I hung up on him. When he tried to call me back, I ended his calls. Later he smsed me saying he was sorry for not calling, and that he was trying to settle his life now, also something about me thinking that he was a jerk and understanding if I hated him atm. Anyway, he called again a little later but I still refused his call. All I could do was sms him to say that I'm glad to know that he's ok, so I can stop worrying about him now, but I wasn't in a mood to talk to him. In response he just said ok, take your time.
I was crying in the car on the way to pyramid, and even while shopping, I felt my eyes water a few times. Right now, seeing that the worry over him part is settled, the question is, do I still want to be with him? Part of me really hates him for not calling. But he does have a lot of problems... does he think that by at least smsing me or something, I'd disturb him? That since he was back in Msia I'd start demanding for his time? I don't know what to think... I feel that if I just hold back, and not make any harsh decisions atm, I'd eventually forgive and forget. But part of me feels that I should just break up and move on. What's the point of holding on to someone who doesn't care? It's not like I plan to change him to suit my needs.
Right now, I'm still just bidding my time. I regret having sent the sms saying that I'll wait for him, it makes me feel like I've signed a contract that is to my disadvantage. Am I holding on to him for him or for the promise? Sometimes I wonder what the future will be like if I just broke up with him now. I've given myself a time limit to make a move, 1 week. It actually seems really long to me. But it's partly to see if he's willing to do anything on his part to make me feel better. I don't know if this is a good move, I don't want to give him any more problems than he already has. But everytime I think about it, my idea of clearing problems on my side is to break up with him... no gf, no gf problems. Which may be a problem in itself.
But if I just forgive him and pretend nothing happened, I don't think I can accept it. I know that I will keep reminding myself about it, and make a big deal over it. If I wait, on one hand, he could just be waiting along with me without any feelings over the issue. On the other hand, if he actually does care about me, he may be worried and lost over the situation, which is like making him feel how I feel. Lost with no idea what is happening.
Honestly, I really really want to hear from him now... to talk to him. I wish he would call me or surprise me with a visit or something... anything. If he were to call me, I may not know what to do and say, whether to hang up on him or just listen, and if I were to listen I'd most likely cry. But I still want to hear his voice. At the end of the day I still miss him even though I'm pissed at him.
Yesterday, I spent some time still worrying about Jin. And at some point, the idea that I was just being used as a sex tool while he was in Malaysia hit me. I don't know if I actually believed it, but as usual, it caused my self-confidence to drop once again and horrible images and ideas start flooding my head.
Anyway, just before I slept, I finally decided to call him to check on the situation. I didn't know what to expect. Part of me wondered if he was held up in some cell over there or something. But because of the time difference I decided to wait till this morning to call.
And so, I called his Aus hp no. this morning. What I got was a connection with some fuzzy background noises... meaning to say that the phone wasn't on. I only know this because I got this same sound once last time when he was charging his hp... and still had to pay for the stupid call.
The entire morning, I just lazed around and played situations in my head. I was totally confused, was he safe? Was I being played for a fool? Did he not reply because he got detained? Well, anyway, my next step was to call his house phone, which I only remembered having early today. I waited till the afternoon to call because I didn't want to wake anyone up.
At about 12pm, I made a call, hoping to at least get Zher so that I can know if something has happened. No one picked up...called again at 2 pm and still no one picked up. By this time I had cried 2 times already because I was really hurt.
And the one thing that kept going through my head was that if he was ok, but he didn't bother calling, it would indicate that he doesn't care much for me. It matters nothing to him that I'd be dead worried about him over these few days. And at that time, all I really wanted to know and to make sure was that he was alright. Because if he was, I would be able to stop worrying about him and think about myself and my relationship... well, actually, the idea was to break up with someone who cares so little.
After the last call, I felt in a rut, and decided to pop over to Pyramid because I'd meant to do some shopping this week anyway. But just before I left the house, I just realised that I hadn't tried his Msia hp no. And so I called that one, and he picked up. He was sounding blur at first, and I was so shocked that he picked up the phone that I was at lost on what to say. So all I said was... what happened? He told me about how he got there without a problem at first, someone had issued a travel visa for him, but there was something about a mistake with the name and he ended up being deported back. So here he was again...
I still didn't know what to say. All I said then was "OK" and then...he was like... is something wrong? And I said, nothing, bye. And I hung up on him. When he tried to call me back, I ended his calls. Later he smsed me saying he was sorry for not calling, and that he was trying to settle his life now, also something about me thinking that he was a jerk and understanding if I hated him atm. Anyway, he called again a little later but I still refused his call. All I could do was sms him to say that I'm glad to know that he's ok, so I can stop worrying about him now, but I wasn't in a mood to talk to him. In response he just said ok, take your time.
I was crying in the car on the way to pyramid, and even while shopping, I felt my eyes water a few times. Right now, seeing that the worry over him part is settled, the question is, do I still want to be with him? Part of me really hates him for not calling. But he does have a lot of problems... does he think that by at least smsing me or something, I'd disturb him? That since he was back in Msia I'd start demanding for his time? I don't know what to think... I feel that if I just hold back, and not make any harsh decisions atm, I'd eventually forgive and forget. But part of me feels that I should just break up and move on. What's the point of holding on to someone who doesn't care? It's not like I plan to change him to suit my needs.
Right now, I'm still just bidding my time. I regret having sent the sms saying that I'll wait for him, it makes me feel like I've signed a contract that is to my disadvantage. Am I holding on to him for him or for the promise? Sometimes I wonder what the future will be like if I just broke up with him now. I've given myself a time limit to make a move, 1 week. It actually seems really long to me. But it's partly to see if he's willing to do anything on his part to make me feel better. I don't know if this is a good move, I don't want to give him any more problems than he already has. But everytime I think about it, my idea of clearing problems on my side is to break up with him... no gf, no gf problems. Which may be a problem in itself.
But if I just forgive him and pretend nothing happened, I don't think I can accept it. I know that I will keep reminding myself about it, and make a big deal over it. If I wait, on one hand, he could just be waiting along with me without any feelings over the issue. On the other hand, if he actually does care about me, he may be worried and lost over the situation, which is like making him feel how I feel. Lost with no idea what is happening.
Honestly, I really really want to hear from him now... to talk to him. I wish he would call me or surprise me with a visit or something... anything. If he were to call me, I may not know what to do and say, whether to hang up on him or just listen, and if I were to listen I'd most likely cry. But I still want to hear his voice. At the end of the day I still miss him even though I'm pissed at him.
posted by Charelle at 10:24 AM
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