small world

Hmm, unexpected things happen when u least expect it.

The other day, Eu Jin & Jin met, and the funny thing is, they've both met before. Apparently, Jin remembers EJ from the time before he went off to Aus. Zher introduced them before, and they played RO together before this.
Who'd ever expect that? Jin isn't too fond of EJ though, but from what I gather from my analysis of EJ and Jin's opinion, I suppose I can see why. EJ's character doesn't bother me although there are a few things that I'm not too comfortable with but everyone has a bit in them that others may not like anyway.

Well anyway, I guess it's time to update on my life again. The borrowing money thing is kinda settled, he understands my stand, and he seems to be trying a lot to change certain things about himself which I'm uncomfortable with. For instance, he's trying to smoke less, spend less... so long as he acknowledges that it's a 'weakness' in his part, and I help him in it. I suppose I have to do the same, after all, it is hypocritical for me to nag him on his spending when I have impulse shopping problems of my own.

Recently, we've been kind of talking a lot on our futures. Partly, it seems to be planning, but at times I wonder if it's just dreaming.
At the beginning, our talks were just kind of a joke, I said I wanted a house with a library, a walk-in wadrobe and etc. He planned his part of the house with a Jap garden on the roof... We also covered our ambitions, he wants to be the director of his own graphic design company, I want to run my own business. These kind of talks went on and on. And some of them seem so far ahead in the future, whilst others are just around the corner. We want to have pets. 2 snakes and a beagle to be exact ^^. I think we'll be getting the snakes by the end of the year.
Well anyway, at first we were just dreaming about our future together. And then one night on our daily chats on the phone, he actually mentioned the word marriage. Not a serious thing, but it had always been an unspoken word before this, we spoke about everything surrounding the topic but we never said that word. And after that, it just kept popping up often enough.

But yesterday, I suppose I sounded really negative, when I took his words of 'marriage' as a jest. I said something like not knowing what will happen, giving him an impression that I wasn't serious about anything I said before this. I didn't mean to sound that way, but I am skeptical. After all, we've so far only been together for almost 7 months. And taking into consideration the fact that we weren't even together physically for the entire time.
But I meant it when I said that I wanted to marry him, it's just that I prefer to remain on my feet, after all, how am I to know how serious he is about the situation? Just because we were talking about it doesn't mean he's entirely serious. But he really was serious about the entire thing, and by the end of our conversation, I feel like I'm engaged to him already >_< Lol... it's all moving a little too fast for me. I need to focus more on getting my life settled by finishing my studies first. But anyway, at least I know where we stand. I can't wait for the future ^^

Summary

As always, I tend to lag behind on my posts after losing speed.

Anyway, not surprisingly, a lot has happened, so much so that I've probably forgotten a lot of memories.
There was a period which was quite memorable to me though. It started out during the week when I called him on the phone at night 2 times. Both went unanswered... even after he didn't reply on my 1st miss call, I was already feeling insecure. By the next morning, I distinctly remember being so unsure about us that I was willing to think of finding a new 'backup fish', and I left CY an offline msg saying so. That happened after I called him again the next morning to wake him up, another call left unanswered.

Later in the morning, while I was working in Spicers, USJ, he called me up telling me that he missed his bus and was in desperate need of a ride to Cyber. I drove him there. At that time I was thinking, part of me was glad that I was the one he turned to when he needed help but I also thought... is that the only time he'd call me? When he needed help?
Anyway, turns out he was asleep by 7pm the day before and that's why he never called back. The next morning, he was already out and having his mp3s on so he never heard his hp. Time and time again, I get insecure over trivial matters and it's usually proven to be unnecessary... so why do I continuously torture myself over these things? Maybe it's because he usually gives me new reasons to >_<

But that wasn't the reason why that particular period was memorable. I gave him a ride back from Cyber that day too. And then the following day, he had the car, so he dropped by after uni to have lunch with me in Summit. His topic of conversation...'pregnancy'. He was worried that my period had not arrived and was eager to approach that subject. He also wanted to buy a test kit. I on the other hand was rather dismissive. It's not that I don't tae it seriously... just that I'd only worry if it was about 2-3 weeks late, but it was due around that week. ^^ I told him that there were many more things I'd put ahead of instead of the pregnancy issue, and when he asked what, I just asked him if he was serious about us because I needed to know. And he said yes... and I guess knowing that solves a lot of issues for me. I don't really have to worry needlessly (well, at least not as often).

I saw him the next 2 days as well... which was an unusual thing considering they were both weekdays. And of course, saw him on Sat and Sun as well. I guess things were really going great for me then... I was over and up on cloud 9 that time...

Well, that was then, now's slightly different. I still really love him and all, but I worry a lot about the way he spends money. I'm not sure if it's just me but it gets a little uncomfortable when he runs low and borrows money and never returns them. Atm, he owes me RM250... and just last week, I was already thinking about this issue and I thought, well, he owed me RM200 then. If I was uncomfortable, I was willing to forget about the money, but I have to stop lending him money. And then we went for dinner, he didn't have enough, no atms around, he said he'd go later... and here we are, back at square 1.

I suppose it sounds materialistic on my side since he's spending a lot of his money on me... but I don't really want him to spend so much on me. I'd rather he learn to have more control over his finances... he may be a splurge and starve person but I'm not and it's getting uncomfortable for me. While thinking about it today, I seemed sad and gloomy to him. He kept asking me about what was the matter but as usual I brushed it off... I guess that's one good thing about him. He notices my moods... I just don't really know how to approach him on the subject. It seems sensitive, and it'll prob make him think me as money-minded or something.

I feel like avoiding him, because he's putting a strain on my budget... I just don't know how to tell him so. I'm worried about spending too much whenever I'm around him. He wanted to see me tomorrow, and at first so did I but thinking about this, I later said I'll think about it. I'm not sure I want to see him as often now... I think he's probably a little piffed about my attitude today but I just don't know how to talk about it.
All I want is for him to tell me when he's short on cash and asks me to pay instead of asking to borrow from me. It may not be a perfect solution, I'll probably start getting annoyed when I end up paying often enough but it sure as hell beats lending him money which I'm pretty sure I'll never get back.

Topsy Turvy

The past few days has been rather eventful.

I was supposed to meet up with Jin for a date on Saturday. But on Fri night, or early Sat morning, I received an sms from him saying he had a friend staying over and he had to send HER to the bus station in the morning.
Fine, watever, it really didn't bother me at all... sure it raised an eyebrow but I didn't really care. But... he indicated that he would meet me in the afternoon, and he'd call. That idiot didn't call till 4.30. By then I was all dressed up waiting for him, waiting for a call, going nuts all out of my mind, as usual, whenever I have too much free time on my hands. I think what he doesn't understand is that it's not that I can't do anything, it's the fact that I was still thinking we'd be going out. And I waited n waited... n he called. Then he said, how about sunday?
I may have said maybe, but if he asked about sunday, surely he'd be back early? He called me at 9pm at night... complained about the jam, that his hp ran out of battery. I was so damn pissed by then. Not only had I waited the whole Saturday for him, I waited the whole day on Sunday too.
Anyway, I was in one of my bad moods again, whereby I could think of nothing else but him, wondering why the hell was I with him and all kinds of crap. Come to think of it, I don't even remember what had occupied my mind during those 2 days. But I did think of breaking up... I often do. But I usually get over it quick enough, all I have to do is see him and I'll feel better.

Unfortunately, the day I chose to see him after a bad Saturday was the next day, Sunday. Can you imagine what kind of mood I'd be in after all that? And so when he called up, I obviously didn't want to talk to him. I'd been thinking (with all my free time) that he didn't really put any initiative into our relationship. It seems that I was the one making plans to meet him, after work and on saturdays. But I blame myself for it in the sense that I was the busy one. He didn't really have anything to do most of the time so I'm the one who has to schedule things out. And plus, I obviously have to be the one to meet him after work because his place is on the way home from my office. But still, it bugged me. I accepted the blame, but it also became one of the terms of my breakup.
Although, I never actually pointed that out to him. I find it hard to point it out especially since I don't consider it his fault, even if I don't like how he's handling everything about it.

Well, anyway, the point is, when he called, I said I wasn't in the mood to talk about it, and I'd talk to him later, his tone of voice when he replied "Ok, talk to me later then," indicated that he was also as fed up as I was about my mood swings. It fueled me up further... not in an angry way, but it only pointed out to me more necessarily that since I'm not the only one bugged and annoyed with all my emotional hangups on him, it's best to break up. I held my hp for about an hour before i finally sent him an sms saying that we should break up. Well, actually, I smsed him earlier as well (when his hp was dead) asking him to meet me online coz I wanted to break up with him online. It's much easier than calling, I can't think straight when I'm talking on the phone.
Anyway, he called back that night to talk things over but I was half asleep, and I couldn't face him and so he asked to meet me today, for dinner.

After work, I popped over. Surprisingly enough, I didn't want to meet him in person because I knew my decision would sway, and I was really scared that I'd break down and cry. But the funny thing was that I was happy most of the times. I'd been thinking about him the entire day, and I basically just missed him. and even while I was with him, trying to keep a distance, everytime I looked at him all I wanted was to be in his arms, or to run my fingers through his hair and etc.
I couldn't keep my mind focused on the issue... I cried a few times but not in a bad way, just a few tears. and he just seemed sweet, and totally clueless. When I decided that I wanted to take a walk around the park, he followed and we ended up fooling around a bit...well, I did most of the fooling. He was like... how can you be so easy going about all this? This is serious! Yeah, for someone who was taking the issue rather 'seriously' he kept holding my hand and rubbing it... that's not being serious! That's not how a breakup's supposed to be like!

We never really talked things through, the only part that I admited to was the part about waiting for him. There's still a lot I keep inside, and I'm not sure but I think it will eventually burst out again. I feel unstable, but everything's ok for now. Even though we never really decided on anything or talked anything through, somehow, to me it just seems 'understood'.
I don't really think I can be without him, not now. Losing him for just a day already makes my heart yearn for him so much more. And seeing him at a time when I thought I'd lost him makes me want to hold on to him forever.

Surprisingly enough, a really miserable weekend made me realise a lot. I still really love him. He may not act in a way that I wish he would, or in a way that would be obvious to people that he loves me but in hi own way, I think he really does. Although sometimes I may question it... And finally, for ages, I'd been wondering, do I really see a future with him? The answer is yes. While thinking thoroughly about whether or not to break up, I asked myself to seriously think about that question. The answer was yes despite always coming up with a no to everyone else. I may not be able to see it clearly, and obviously don't see a road heading towards the final point but I do see a target at the end. It's just a matter of finding my way there and not giving up if I've lost my way.

Future in a glass ball

Something Jin said to me yesterday when I was out having dinner with him has been stuck on my mind since.
We were just talking about how we don't really see each other much these days. And if we don't see each other, we rarely talk (because we don't call each other on the phone much so it's usually just our 'dates').
Anyway, we were just pointing out these small little things when he just said, "nevermind, next time when we live together it'll be ok" or something to that effect. I didn't really react to what he said but inside, I was... shocked, erm, not in a bad way. Surprised maybe... touched too. It just didn't seem like something he would be saying... well, it's possible that it didn't actually mean anything but stil... I think it meant a lot to me. Thoughts of his words have been lingering on my mind till now. I've always been a little unstable and unsure about us, especially about the future bit... but for him to say something like that just opens up everything for me. Makes me wonder if we actually could?

However, I don't think I'd like to linger too much on that thought... It makes me feel uncomfortable in the sense that i might jinx us or something lol.

Back to normal

Everything's ok right now, it's all returning back to normal.

After that last call, I had a talk with a few people about Jin. Generally, they ar just friends who don't really know much about him and are curious to hear about him. It was then that I realised, that while talking about him, I really did miss him. I can't stay angry at him long. After meeting up with Li-Kim, I finally decided to call Jin.
I made the call and he didn't pick up. I admit that I got a bit upset over that. It took my a lot of thought before I got the courage to actually call him up and then he didn't even pick it up. Anyway, it wasn't that bad. Next afternoon, I got an sms from him asking about how everything was and when we could meet up again. And so I met up with him at his place last wed.
As usual, I don't really stay mad long. Once I see him, I start to have this feeling where everything's ok and things just start to fall into place. We didn't do much, just the usual and dinner. I had him explain everything that's been happening, and I learned that his visa has been revoked and he will be unable to enter into Australia for 3 years. Therefore, he has made plan to continue his studies in Lim Kok Wing. He'll be jumping directly into the degree, no diploma, but he'll be finishing earlier than as expected if he were to do it in Aus. That's good ^_^ At least to me, that's a bright side to look at the situation. But I do find in hysterically ironic that he's gonna end up in Cyberjaya (he hates that place because it's like so far and hot) and studying in LKW (he never liked that place and considers the ppl there to be snobs lol).

Saw him again today. I think I'll probably only get to spend about 1 or 2 times a week with him. Saturdays seem to be the only day I'm free. Wanted to watch a movie with him but it didn't work out. Ended up playing PS2 since morning (or afternoon, not sure, we were just talking at the beginning) till about 4pm. Finally, made the effort to get up and grab lunch and movie tickets but then the movies out weren't exactly what we were looking forward to watch so we weren't bothered to line up for them. All we did was ate in Esquire Kitchen ( we ordered way too much and stuffed ourselves full and yet, we still couldn't finish everything). After that, we just walked along the shops not really looking for or buying anything and then we went back to his place.

Today was fun... generally, I mean it was a fun time just being with him.

%$&^*#%!!!!!

I'm kinda pissed of today.

Yesterday, I spent some time still worrying about Jin. And at some point, the idea that I was just being used as a sex tool while he was in Malaysia hit me. I don't know if I actually believed it, but as usual, it caused my self-confidence to drop once again and horrible images and ideas start flooding my head.
Anyway, just before I slept, I finally decided to call him to check on the situation. I didn't know what to expect. Part of me wondered if he was held up in some cell over there or something. But because of the time difference I decided to wait till this morning to call.

And so, I called his Aus hp no. this morning. What I got was a connection with some fuzzy background noises... meaning to say that the phone wasn't on. I only know this because I got this same sound once last time when he was charging his hp... and still had to pay for the stupid call.
The entire morning, I just lazed around and played situations in my head. I was totally confused, was he safe? Was I being played for a fool? Did he not reply because he got detained? Well, anyway, my next step was to call his house phone, which I only remembered having early today. I waited till the afternoon to call because I didn't want to wake anyone up.
At about 12pm, I made a call, hoping to at least get Zher so that I can know if something has happened. No one picked up...called again at 2 pm and still no one picked up. By this time I had cried 2 times already because I was really hurt.
And the one thing that kept going through my head was that if he was ok, but he didn't bother calling, it would indicate that he doesn't care much for me. It matters nothing to him that I'd be dead worried about him over these few days. And at that time, all I really wanted to know and to make sure was that he was alright. Because if he was, I would be able to stop worrying about him and think about myself and my relationship... well, actually, the idea was to break up with someone who cares so little.

After the last call, I felt in a rut, and decided to pop over to Pyramid because I'd meant to do some shopping this week anyway. But just before I left the house, I just realised that I hadn't tried his Msia hp no. And so I called that one, and he picked up. He was sounding blur at first, and I was so shocked that he picked up the phone that I was at lost on what to say. So all I said was... what happened? He told me about how he got there without a problem at first, someone had issued a travel visa for him, but there was something about a mistake with the name and he ended up being deported back. So here he was again...
I still didn't know what to say. All I said then was "OK" and then...he was like... is something wrong? And I said, nothing, bye. And I hung up on him. When he tried to call me back, I ended his calls. Later he smsed me saying he was sorry for not calling, and that he was trying to settle his life now, also something about me thinking that he was a jerk and understanding if I hated him atm. Anyway, he called again a little later but I still refused his call. All I could do was sms him to say that I'm glad to know that he's ok, so I can stop worrying about him now, but I wasn't in a mood to talk to him. In response he just said ok, take your time.

I was crying in the car on the way to pyramid, and even while shopping, I felt my eyes water a few times. Right now, seeing that the worry over him part is settled, the question is, do I still want to be with him? Part of me really hates him for not calling. But he does have a lot of problems... does he think that by at least smsing me or something, I'd disturb him? That since he was back in Msia I'd start demanding for his time? I don't know what to think... I feel that if I just hold back, and not make any harsh decisions atm, I'd eventually forgive and forget. But part of me feels that I should just break up and move on. What's the point of holding on to someone who doesn't care? It's not like I plan to change him to suit my needs.

Right now, I'm still just bidding my time. I regret having sent the sms saying that I'll wait for him, it makes me feel like I've signed a contract that is to my disadvantage. Am I holding on to him for him or for the promise? Sometimes I wonder what the future will be like if I just broke up with him now. I've given myself a time limit to make a move, 1 week. It actually seems really long to me. But it's partly to see if he's willing to do anything on his part to make me feel better. I don't know if this is a good move, I don't want to give him any more problems than he already has. But everytime I think about it, my idea of clearing problems on my side is to break up with him... no gf, no gf problems. Which may be a problem in itself.
But if I just forgive him and pretend nothing happened, I don't think I can accept it. I know that I will keep reminding myself about it, and make a big deal over it. If I wait, on one hand, he could just be waiting along with me without any feelings over the issue. On the other hand, if he actually does care about me, he may be worried and lost over the situation, which is like making him feel how I feel. Lost with no idea what is happening.

Honestly, I really really want to hear from him now... to talk to him. I wish he would call me or surprise me with a visit or something... anything. If he were to call me, I may not know what to do and say, whether to hang up on him or just listen, and if I were to listen I'd most likely cry. But I still want to hear his voice. At the end of the day I still miss him even though I'm pissed at him.

Tide of emotions

I dunno what I'm feeling now...there's just a whole range of feelings flooding me.

It's like one minute I'm sad and missing him. Next minute I get pissed off and hate him. But then I start to worry if something's happened to him. Basically... he should have arrived in Aus roughly around yesterday evening, unless there was a transit, which I'm not sure if there is. But he promised to contact me as soon as he reached Aus and I've waited all night yesterday and all day today and still nothing.
Should I be worried? I'm scared that he might have gotten detained or something due to the fact that he didn't settle the visa. What happens then? Would they throw him into another flight back? Doesn't seem right, sounds like just a free ride to me... Maybe put him in a cell or soemthing? I have no idea what happens, I don't even know at which stage or point that the authorities actually check on your visa.

Obviously I do miss him... sometimes it feels really lonely without having him around and I seem to be talking a lot more about him these past 2 days... if anyone brings him up, I'd love to drone on and on about him. If I could I'd love to say stuff like ... I don't know, sickly sweet stuff about how head-over-heels madly in love with him I feel sometimes. But I know that this kind of talk annoys some people.

And finally, why I hate him soooooo much some times. Remember the other day when I was annoyed with his attitude over confirming dinner with his mum? Hmm... his mum wanted to have dinner with him, he said maybe, I told him to confirm with his mum an answer, he didn't...
Anyway, the point is, I was thinking quite a bit at that time. I felt that he really doesn't show much consideration to certain people who may care about him, only coz he doesn't care for them as much. Well, maybe not really 'doesn't care', could be taking them for granted (and he likes making an issue out of my taking for granted, I may make an issue out of his but at least I know how to admit to mine). It's not only his family, his ex-RO gf Sincerity was worried about him too and seems like he doesn't care either... but then again her jealousy annoyed him at one point so he may just be trying to ignore her altogether or soemthing.
I was worried, for one thing that at some point, if I were still to care about him and he just stopped caring, I would get really hurt. And I'm not sure I want to be in such a position to experience that... sometimes it makes me wish that I didn't love him, that it's better to put an end to it before it gets worse. Today, it's kind of like, I'm so pissed that he hasn't contacted me yet. I know it's mean of me coz he could be in dee shit or soemthing but I really want to hear from him! If he hasn't called because of the visa problem, then I'd feel dreadfully guilty for being angry but I just can't help feeling this way. If he's there, safe and sound, I'd really like to at least know about it so that I can clear my head and stop thinking about it. But I wouldn't be surprised if he's there and all right but he just couldn't care less to make an effort to tell me. It's something typical for him, in my opinion (Is it really such a bad opinion that I hold about him?) Part of me feels like I really would break up with him for the sole reason of his (assumed) inconsideration. If it really were true, I would like to strangle the life out of him >_< But I'm also being held by the promise I made to him, which I had to make a lot of pondering over sending that particular sms, and I partly regret having told him that now. The promise? Well, basically, I really wanted to make him smile, and he was sighing a lot when he had to leave, so I said that I couldn't promise him that everything he missed here would remain but I promised to wait for him.

So there it is... all my thoughts and feelings. Oh crap, Zera just messaged me and I'm in a rather pissed mood atm. I think I'll just ignore him for now... :S