Topsy Turvy
The past few days has been rather eventful.
I was supposed to meet up with Jin for a date on Saturday. But on Fri night, or early Sat morning, I received an sms from him saying he had a friend staying over and he had to send HER to the bus station in the morning.
Fine, watever, it really didn't bother me at all... sure it raised an eyebrow but I didn't really care. But... he indicated that he would meet me in the afternoon, and he'd call. That idiot didn't call till 4.30. By then I was all dressed up waiting for him, waiting for a call, going nuts all out of my mind, as usual, whenever I have too much free time on my hands. I think what he doesn't understand is that it's not that I can't do anything, it's the fact that I was still thinking we'd be going out. And I waited n waited... n he called. Then he said, how about sunday?
I may have said maybe, but if he asked about sunday, surely he'd be back early? He called me at 9pm at night... complained about the jam, that his hp ran out of battery. I was so damn pissed by then. Not only had I waited the whole Saturday for him, I waited the whole day on Sunday too.
Anyway, I was in one of my bad moods again, whereby I could think of nothing else but him, wondering why the hell was I with him and all kinds of crap. Come to think of it, I don't even remember what had occupied my mind during those 2 days. But I did think of breaking up... I often do. But I usually get over it quick enough, all I have to do is see him and I'll feel better.
Unfortunately, the day I chose to see him after a bad Saturday was the next day, Sunday. Can you imagine what kind of mood I'd be in after all that? And so when he called up, I obviously didn't want to talk to him. I'd been thinking (with all my free time) that he didn't really put any initiative into our relationship. It seems that I was the one making plans to meet him, after work and on saturdays. But I blame myself for it in the sense that I was the busy one. He didn't really have anything to do most of the time so I'm the one who has to schedule things out. And plus, I obviously have to be the one to meet him after work because his place is on the way home from my office. But still, it bugged me. I accepted the blame, but it also became one of the terms of my breakup.
Although, I never actually pointed that out to him. I find it hard to point it out especially since I don't consider it his fault, even if I don't like how he's handling everything about it.
Well, anyway, the point is, when he called, I said I wasn't in the mood to talk about it, and I'd talk to him later, his tone of voice when he replied "Ok, talk to me later then," indicated that he was also as fed up as I was about my mood swings. It fueled me up further... not in an angry way, but it only pointed out to me more necessarily that since I'm not the only one bugged and annoyed with all my emotional hangups on him, it's best to break up. I held my hp for about an hour before i finally sent him an sms saying that we should break up. Well, actually, I smsed him earlier as well (when his hp was dead) asking him to meet me online coz I wanted to break up with him online. It's much easier than calling, I can't think straight when I'm talking on the phone.
Anyway, he called back that night to talk things over but I was half asleep, and I couldn't face him and so he asked to meet me today, for dinner.
After work, I popped over. Surprisingly enough, I didn't want to meet him in person because I knew my decision would sway, and I was really scared that I'd break down and cry. But the funny thing was that I was happy most of the times. I'd been thinking about him the entire day, and I basically just missed him. and even while I was with him, trying to keep a distance, everytime I looked at him all I wanted was to be in his arms, or to run my fingers through his hair and etc.
I couldn't keep my mind focused on the issue... I cried a few times but not in a bad way, just a few tears. and he just seemed sweet, and totally clueless. When I decided that I wanted to take a walk around the park, he followed and we ended up fooling around a bit...well, I did most of the fooling. He was like... how can you be so easy going about all this? This is serious! Yeah, for someone who was taking the issue rather 'seriously' he kept holding my hand and rubbing it... that's not being serious! That's not how a breakup's supposed to be like!
We never really talked things through, the only part that I admited to was the part about waiting for him. There's still a lot I keep inside, and I'm not sure but I think it will eventually burst out again. I feel unstable, but everything's ok for now. Even though we never really decided on anything or talked anything through, somehow, to me it just seems 'understood'.
I don't really think I can be without him, not now. Losing him for just a day already makes my heart yearn for him so much more. And seeing him at a time when I thought I'd lost him makes me want to hold on to him forever.
Surprisingly enough, a really miserable weekend made me realise a lot. I still really love him. He may not act in a way that I wish he would, or in a way that would be obvious to people that he loves me but in hi own way, I think he really does. Although sometimes I may question it... And finally, for ages, I'd been wondering, do I really see a future with him? The answer is yes. While thinking thoroughly about whether or not to break up, I asked myself to seriously think about that question. The answer was yes despite always coming up with a no to everyone else. I may not be able to see it clearly, and obviously don't see a road heading towards the final point but I do see a target at the end. It's just a matter of finding my way there and not giving up if I've lost my way.
I was supposed to meet up with Jin for a date on Saturday. But on Fri night, or early Sat morning, I received an sms from him saying he had a friend staying over and he had to send HER to the bus station in the morning.
Fine, watever, it really didn't bother me at all... sure it raised an eyebrow but I didn't really care. But... he indicated that he would meet me in the afternoon, and he'd call. That idiot didn't call till 4.30. By then I was all dressed up waiting for him, waiting for a call, going nuts all out of my mind, as usual, whenever I have too much free time on my hands. I think what he doesn't understand is that it's not that I can't do anything, it's the fact that I was still thinking we'd be going out. And I waited n waited... n he called. Then he said, how about sunday?
I may have said maybe, but if he asked about sunday, surely he'd be back early? He called me at 9pm at night... complained about the jam, that his hp ran out of battery. I was so damn pissed by then. Not only had I waited the whole Saturday for him, I waited the whole day on Sunday too.
Anyway, I was in one of my bad moods again, whereby I could think of nothing else but him, wondering why the hell was I with him and all kinds of crap. Come to think of it, I don't even remember what had occupied my mind during those 2 days. But I did think of breaking up... I often do. But I usually get over it quick enough, all I have to do is see him and I'll feel better.
Unfortunately, the day I chose to see him after a bad Saturday was the next day, Sunday. Can you imagine what kind of mood I'd be in after all that? And so when he called up, I obviously didn't want to talk to him. I'd been thinking (with all my free time) that he didn't really put any initiative into our relationship. It seems that I was the one making plans to meet him, after work and on saturdays. But I blame myself for it in the sense that I was the busy one. He didn't really have anything to do most of the time so I'm the one who has to schedule things out. And plus, I obviously have to be the one to meet him after work because his place is on the way home from my office. But still, it bugged me. I accepted the blame, but it also became one of the terms of my breakup.
Although, I never actually pointed that out to him. I find it hard to point it out especially since I don't consider it his fault, even if I don't like how he's handling everything about it.
Well, anyway, the point is, when he called, I said I wasn't in the mood to talk about it, and I'd talk to him later, his tone of voice when he replied "Ok, talk to me later then," indicated that he was also as fed up as I was about my mood swings. It fueled me up further... not in an angry way, but it only pointed out to me more necessarily that since I'm not the only one bugged and annoyed with all my emotional hangups on him, it's best to break up. I held my hp for about an hour before i finally sent him an sms saying that we should break up. Well, actually, I smsed him earlier as well (when his hp was dead) asking him to meet me online coz I wanted to break up with him online. It's much easier than calling, I can't think straight when I'm talking on the phone.
Anyway, he called back that night to talk things over but I was half asleep, and I couldn't face him and so he asked to meet me today, for dinner.
After work, I popped over. Surprisingly enough, I didn't want to meet him in person because I knew my decision would sway, and I was really scared that I'd break down and cry. But the funny thing was that I was happy most of the times. I'd been thinking about him the entire day, and I basically just missed him. and even while I was with him, trying to keep a distance, everytime I looked at him all I wanted was to be in his arms, or to run my fingers through his hair and etc.
I couldn't keep my mind focused on the issue... I cried a few times but not in a bad way, just a few tears. and he just seemed sweet, and totally clueless. When I decided that I wanted to take a walk around the park, he followed and we ended up fooling around a bit...well, I did most of the fooling. He was like... how can you be so easy going about all this? This is serious! Yeah, for someone who was taking the issue rather 'seriously' he kept holding my hand and rubbing it... that's not being serious! That's not how a breakup's supposed to be like!
We never really talked things through, the only part that I admited to was the part about waiting for him. There's still a lot I keep inside, and I'm not sure but I think it will eventually burst out again. I feel unstable, but everything's ok for now. Even though we never really decided on anything or talked anything through, somehow, to me it just seems 'understood'.
I don't really think I can be without him, not now. Losing him for just a day already makes my heart yearn for him so much more. And seeing him at a time when I thought I'd lost him makes me want to hold on to him forever.
Surprisingly enough, a really miserable weekend made me realise a lot. I still really love him. He may not act in a way that I wish he would, or in a way that would be obvious to people that he loves me but in hi own way, I think he really does. Although sometimes I may question it... And finally, for ages, I'd been wondering, do I really see a future with him? The answer is yes. While thinking thoroughly about whether or not to break up, I asked myself to seriously think about that question. The answer was yes despite always coming up with a no to everyone else. I may not be able to see it clearly, and obviously don't see a road heading towards the final point but I do see a target at the end. It's just a matter of finding my way there and not giving up if I've lost my way.
posted by Charelle at 9:17 AM
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